Saturday, October 9, 2010

I have trekked the path…

Friends… this is my final entry for American Motherhood. 
While short-lived, this has been an exhilarating journey, full of revelation, of admission and of spirit for me.  I have examined not only who I am as a woman, but who am I as a mother! 
I have trekked the path of the Caucasian woman, molded by society to be submissive to the man, to be the mother of his children, to put the wants and needs of others in a primary position.  To know the agony of the anger I feel, the need for someone to lift the burden, take the weight from my shoulders.  To suffer the loneliness of raising a family alone, to experience the agony of seeking respite from the stressful responsibility of caring for tiny human beings, to know the ultimate ecstasy of what life is all about through the understanding of the undying, unconditional love for my children.
I have trekked the path of the African-American woman, never afforded a moment of rest.  My body used and abused, solely due to the pigment of my skin.  I have picked cotton until my fingertips bled, endured rape by the white sharecropper’s sons, bore children whose fathers were unknown, served as a housekeeper of those who did not appreciate my service, suffered accusations of theft that were untrue, fought to free my children from a life of crime, discrimination and suppressed education; and battled the foes of society simply because I was born black.
I have trekked the path of the Lesbian mother, never considering my own biological composure.  Longing for the satisfaction of motherhood, yet understanding the unyielding force of nature.  Realizing that no matter my inclination, my body is designed to replicate itself, to bear a child.  To understand that I, yes, the lesbian that I am, am worthy of being a mother.  I have enough love in my heart, in my soul, to bring forth from my body, the greatest gift of life itself – a child.
Dawn - 3 yrs old
I have trekked the path… the path of my real life, Dawn's life.  Not fiction or fairy tale.  I have worked all my life, since the age of 14.  I have strived to be the perfect wife, the steadfast mother, the impeccable employee.  I have struggled far more than my family will ever understand to create a happy home, to give my children the best in life, to create for the world a legacy that will live on far after all that remains of me are ashes in the ocean.  I have tried my damnedest to be Super Woman!
I have trekked the path.  Not a day goes by that I fail to give thanks for my life, which in comparison to others has been relatively easy.  When I complain about all I have on my plate, I pause to consider others and realize that I have been blessed!

Our wedding day - 1977

Not a day goes by that I fail to give thanks for my husband of 33 years, who has never sought the company of another woman since I met him 35 years ago.  The man who understands my challenges at work and at school, prepares me dinner when I work late, shops for all the groceries because I am studying,  does his own laundry because he knows I don't have the time and even washes the dishes while I seclude myself finishing my academic pursuits.  The man who loving takes my hand to dance, almost every weekend; our bodies in sync to the rhythm, our eyes staring at one another, our hearts entwined forever.


My Dad & I at my birthday party

Not a day goes by that I fail to appreciate my Father, who throughout my life taught me what it means to be a loving parent.  To give a little, but love a lot - to communicate where the boundaries lie - to stare into his eyes; and see myself.  The father who worked all his life to fill my world with materials, who was present for every major event in my life, in my children's lives, exemplifying what family truly means.  The man who faithfully stood by my mother's side for every doctor's appointment, every dose of chemo, every radiation treatment.  Who changed the urine soaked sheets, cleaned the carpet after her stomach refused to contain a drop and stopped working for over two years to attend to her needs.  Who spent long sleepless nights by her side until her body could endure no more.  Who, upon her passing at 3:30am, asked my brother and I to hold hands, encircling her still warm, yet graying body as he prayed to commend her spirit to Almighty God, confident in the knowledge that he would see her again.  All the years of planning, of working, of dreaming of the golden years ahead, to be spent with his soul mate, his wife of 46 years, suddenly snuffed out by cancer, leaving him alone to face a new world, full of solitude and reflection.
My daughters circa 1983, Holly in back, Hailly in front
Not a day goes by that I fail to offer the utmost highest gratitude for the blessing of my beloved daughters.  It is for them that I live, that I sojourn on.  For as I gave them life, so they gave me the desire to live.  They are my life’s work, my pride, my passion, my joy.  My sacrifices, my efforts, were all for them.  I continue to live and breathe for them, although they have their own lives and successful careers.  They are my greatest joy.  I feel that I was created to create them.  They have fulfilled me, loved me and continue to sustain me as I approach the end of my days on this earth.  They owe me nothing, as they have given me more affection, more delight, more fulfillment than I ever dreamed possible.  
My beautiful, intelligent daughters: Dr. Hailly - Audiologist on left, Dr. Holly - Cardiologist on right

My husband Rich & I - April 2010
I am a wife.  A Southern wife who was raised to make others comfortable and welcome before looking after myself.  A wife who has been fortunate enough to know the love and dedication of a good husband.  To endure the good times and the bad.  To realize that nothing is worth coming between us except infidelilty - which thankfully we have not experienced.
I am a mother.  I am blessed by being a mother.  My mission on this earth is to be a mother.
My life's greatest reward is being a mother.  Writing the entries in this blog, examining the strife of women throughout the history of America, has caused me to greatly appreciate my heritage, the sacrifices of all women in the US, and develop a greater understanding of the gaps of American History which affords no credit whatsoever to the brave, courageous women who created the great nation we rever today.
Because I am a mother: Love, happiness and gratification surround me eternally!

My wonderful family! left to right: Dr. Hailly, Dawn, Rich, Dr. Holly


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